So, here's another not-so-X post. Sorry guys. There's a lot on my mind. A lot of frustration. You know what the worst feeling is? Having someone think that the effort you put into something is a waste of time. You see, I do put time into X's monthly photos, but it's not like I'm putting hours upon hours into it. No. It's something I probably spend 3 hours max on, broken up over days of course. Now if you're into arts and crafts then you know that 3 hours really isn't a considerable amount of time. So when someone accuses me of wasting too much time on these pictures, well, it not only hurts my feelings, it also irks the shit out of me since I'm really not wasting that much time at all. And these picture are memories I'm making for X. He'll have these forever. I don't think it's a waste of time at all when put in that perspective.
What is also hugely misunderstood is that when I ask someone to help me watch X, it's not just so I can prep for the photo. It's also because I want to work on other things in my life. Like trying to provide a better future for my child. Being shut down without even being heard just plain sucks, and it hurts. Maybe you've heard it all before, but the circumstances were also different before. And maybe nothing ever amounted to anything then because the support was virtually invisible. I mean...how are you going to succeed when the one person you need to support you the most thinks what you're trying to do is a joke. I wouldn't ever shit on someones dreams or goals or life's ambition. Just because what someone wants is unconventional, and isn't some mediocre 9-5 job, working for some thankless corporation, doesn't mean that I am no better than the next person. Don't think you're better than me just because you were brainwashed into thinking that working for the man in this rat race is all there is for you. I wouldn't ever teach X that. I would want X to be himself. To do what he wants to do with his life. Be who he wants to be. Do what makes you happy. Don't listen to what people say about what you want to do. Of course constructive criticism should always be welcomed, but if anyone, and I know there will be a few people that do this to you, but if anyone tells you that there's only one way to succeed in life you tell them to go f themselves, because you can do anything you want to do and be successful as long as you keep at it. Don't give up. And Don't let naysayers bring you down, because no dream is ever too big. Don't ever let anyone make you feel worthless, and if you feel like no one supports you, I will always support your decisions...unless they hurt people. Then I'm going to have to beat you for being mean. Not even joking, although I'm sure once you're at that age you'll be able to beat me.
Woah...Not too sure how that tirade turned into an impromptu life lesson for X. Yes, I'm upset and emotional right now so not everything may make too much sense. I just feel like I'm at this point where I just don't give a f**k. I'm pretty tired of going through life settling for mediocrity. I wanted more for myself. I had big dreams...then I gave it up for a guy...no, not X's dad. But I feel that one thing was like the catalyst to what is now the downfall of all the great things I had planned in my life. Obviously no one to blame for that but myself. I think getting pregnant with X was that little nudge that woke me up again, and then him actually being born was the kick I needed to get back in the game.
You see...I was never the working kind. I know how that sounds. Spoiled brat, right? I mean, to some people, yeah, maybe I am, but I really don't see myself as spoiled. I am lazy, and that is probably my worst vice (drinking a close 2nd), and because of this laziness I tend to think big...and that's it. I get how that can be annoying to someone who wants to see you succeed, but again, I feel like genuine support is crucial to success. Some people can do it on their own, but I'm not that person, I need to know that the people I'm closest to truly believe in me and what I want to do. When the person you're spending you're life with thinks your dreams are a joke, and that there's basically no future in it, that kind of puts a damper on things, especially when they're trying to push you in a direction you aren't comfortable in going. I mean, yes, we all have to do what we have to do to get by; to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, but at what cost? Why should I compromise my dreams for mediocrity? Just because you're okay with settling doesn't mean that I am, and I don't want X to think that, that's how he has to live his life. The thing too is, I really can't blame a person if that's all they know. When you're not open-minded then you tend to live in a square box. Fitting a circle into a square is tough work I tell you.
I'm not even really sure what the point of writing this is. I feel like I'm setting myself up to fight a battle, that honestly, I'm way too tired to fight. I feel like I'm trying to be as blunt about the message I'm trying to send as can be, but the person on the other end just can't compute. Maybe I need to update their software? Can we do that sort of thing? Were they able to update Vicki the Robot on Small Wonder? Damn I used to love that show. I'm so old :(.
So to sum up everything, and this isn't directed at anyone in particular,...Don't shit on peoples dreams just because you don't understand them, or just because they don't fit into your mold for the perfect life. There's no problem with not wanting to be a slave to conventionalism. Think outside the box. Don't act out or say things out of anger. Breath. Come back to it later and talk like an adult without the vein in your forehead throbbing. Anger is a form of weakness. Work on that. Ohh...here's one that wasn't addressed...it's okay to do things for people. Don't be such a dick. You think everyone owes you everything, but aren't willing to do anything in return? I say poo-poo to you. There's nothing wrong with doing small favors. It's what nice, thoughtful people do. only selfish people do it on their own terms. Hmm...what else. Well..I think I summed it up well enough? I mean...there's a whole lot of other issues I want to umm...express myself about, but I'll let one fire die down before I ignite another. All in all, life is way too short to constantly be stressed about shit. And it's definitely too short to always be an asshole. Don't be an asshole. No-one likes assholes. Also, there is such a thing as anger management therapy. There are a few people I know that should check it out.
And with that my little...or long...rant is done. Wow, writing really is therapeutic. Time to proof-read and put my baby down for a nap.
